Monday, I got up and had an hour or so with my Peer Support Worker. I told him that I was feeling like I was on my way down, or I'd caught the flu from my sister and sister-in-law. I also let my drawing and painting tutor know I wasn't going to be in the next day. Tuesday morning, I mostly slept - but was called to duty to deliver lentils and fags to my sister-in-law. I also walked their dog. On Wednesday, I got showered, got the parcel I was waiting for and went back to bed.
On Thursday, I was driving towards the Walker/Byker area towards a sewing class I'd enrolled on. And bloody hell, the anxiety was crazy.
If I'd been sensible, I would have taken a ride over there the evening or day before, so that I knew where I was going. I'm not always sensible.
It started in the house. I was sitting on the loo (a decisive place in most of my decisions) and the whole feeling of the depression and dread crept over me. Imagine your body has suddenly undergone an increase in gravity and you're trying to drag every movement so very slowly. And the one thought in your head is 'Just go back to bed. It's what your body wants. You can get rid of this feeling by going back to bed and hiding under the duvet'.
On the other hand, I could actually hear my heart thumping in my chest. And the hairs on my neck lift. They actually do that you know. And not just in horror movies.
So, I reached out. My friend (12 days without alcohol, thank you very much) basically talked me up to going over Messenger. It was a bit like being a toddler, getting coached to go from one foot to the next. A 45 year old, overweight toddler, who felt like she was going to spit her dummy and opt out of the day.
Getting out of the house is a good thing. Having money for the Tyne Tunnel is also a good thing, although I could have done it over the Tyne Bridge etc. Having to find your way to a road which you haven't used since there has been an extra Tyne Tunnel and a road rearrangement wasn't clever. Even when I was on the road, I could feel my hands clenching and unclenching on the wheel.
What the heck was I doing travelling to blooming Byker? I mean, it's all well and good to trek there for a poetry reading, but this was extending myself. I am more than a bit rusty when it comes to using a sewing machine. I was getting that screaming in my head - the negative thoughts that plague me.
'You know you can't bluff your way through this.'
'You can't even remember how to set up a sewing machine, let alone sew in a straight line.'
'You are so slapdash with things like this.'
'You should be perfect.'
'Think yourself intelligent, I bet you can't master this/do this first time'.
It's a good job I was driving. I had something else to distract me. (Yes I know that driving should be my main focus and not my distraction, Dad.)
I got there way to early, as I am usually to something new. I explained to Lyn, the tutor, before others got there that I have bipolar disorder and I see this as part of my recovery - just getting to the class.
The ladies there were lovely, but I reckon they'd have been nightmares at school. Talking while Lyn was trying to give them information, for Pete's sake!
I also met a lady who I hope is going to be a new friend. Jackie is a former English teacher who loves cats, books and geeky stuff. She uses a lovely plush self drive wheel chair to get around because she's crippled with arthritis. She's given the WEA a run for their money, as they are going to have to find a way to get a sewing machine for someone who can't get their foot to the ground without getting out of her chair. I'll tell you something, though. Meeting Jackie has been like meeting myself in 17 years time. Although, no offence to Jackie, I hope I'm a bit more mobile.
So, the point of this blog? Mostly, having to get over the negative thoughts. Which I did this time. And I'm very pleased about it.
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