Organisation, solutions and being perfect.

At my last meeting with my psychiatrist, the new guy summed me up as being 'driven.'

Does that surprise you?  Well, you probably know my background - Masters degree, various professional qualifications, moving up through the ranks of communications in a university and a council.  And then my myriad of obsessions - the musical instruments, the spinning, the needlecraft, the pottery, etc.

So, yes, I may have been a bit driven.  But the only one driving me was me and my beliefs that other people were expecting me to do well.

I got organised, thanks to Ann Clayton-West for this.  If I wasn't organised when I joined her company, I was when I left.  Oh, boy, that was training in fire. By the time I left the council, I was noted for my organisation - to the point where my boss asked me to put at least some paper on my desk so it looked like I was doing some work.  All I needed was my day book and my computer and I organise what every you wanted.

And I became solution focused.  Not just focused, but being able to make contingency plans on contingency plans.  I always described my work as juggling whilst running through sand. Basically, you make a plan, but you have to know where you are going to go when your plan doesn't go as planned.  Just think American Secret Service, without the guns or the earpieces (well, sometimes walkie-talkies, but that way madness lies).

Being driven means one thing - you are striving for perfection. This isn't generally a bad thing in life.  But if you identify your whole being with being perfect, that leads to problems.  For me, my value was in my work as it didn't look like romance was in my future.

When I was made redundant, my life's worth was ripped from me. But I was still being perfect.  I worked through my redundancy period with grace and good cheer.  Don't get me wrong - this wasn't put on. It was me.  And I got praise for it.  And that's my bag, man. Medal! Medal! Medal!

So, a couple of years and a bit of a nervous breakdown later and I'm still thinking like I did about five years ago.  I'm organising. I'm finding solutions for people.  Trying to be perfect.

And I need to stop.

I am treating my friends and relatives like children; not like grown ups who can make their own decisions and solutions.  I feel like I have to work five steps ahead.  This should make me great at chess ( I don't know). And being perfect is bloody hard work.

So here it is

1. I am done organising other people - I will sit back and let other people organise themselves.  If they need advice, I will give it.
2. I am done planning - it makes it hard to live in the moment.  I'm going to plan only when absolutely necessary.
3. I am done being perfect, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I don't have to feel guilty if I'm in my pajamas or not made up. (I may not get made up that much, but I still feel guilty when I don't.)
4. I don't have to be able to do things without effort or failures. I need to be kinder to myself about this. I keep having to think back to learning to play the violin.  It took painful finger tips, painful tunes to my mum and tears over exams to become satisfactory. Success needs time and failures.